Making of a Renegade
by Mogatrat
Summary: Short stories/drabbles in chronological order, pivotal moments in Amelia Shepard's life that led her to take the actions she does during the series, as well as a few scenes that went somewhat differently. Rated M for fairly extreme but brief descriptions of violence, as well as language. Bits of non-explicit F/F (so far) and minor implications of M/F. Written as it comes.
1. Blue

**Blue**

"A-my! A-my! A-my!" the crowd shouted, pumping their fists in tune with the chant as they surrounded a young, dark-skinned woman. She held her arms out to her sides, her eyes closed with concentration as red singles cups swirled around her in a glowing blue mist. They ducked and weaved around her body, then formed a line, planting themselves on top of one another on the table behind her. When the last one slid into the stack, she opened her eyes and lowered her arms, panting profusely. When she looked up, the crowd was clapping and cheering, all for her. Her head throbbed in time with the electronic beat of the music, pleasantly, like a muscle ache from a good workout.

Her face was flushed with pride and a lot of effort - and the color was enhanced by the trickle of red blood eeking out of her large, straight nose. She sniffed and wiped it away with the side of her hand as a large, pale, black-haired boy stepped out of the crowd. She smiled up at him.

"Hey, how 'bout me next?" he asked with a sly grin.

"What, stack you?" Amy said, wiping the sweat off her forehead and pushing back her very short brown hair. "Seems hard."

The boy let out a snort, then said, "Naw. Try lifting my shirt off. Like, with your brain."

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen," Amy replied, her mouth twisting into a frown. "Got anything more interesting to do?"

"Aw, come on," the boy said, taking a step closer. "You know you want to."

"No, I really don't," Amy asserted, narrowing her heavy brow and backing into the table. The crowd had grown silent, fidgeting nervously but not saying anything.

"C'mon," the boy urged again, taking another step and reaching out his hand - and suddenly he reeled backward, a blue burst of light hitting him square in the jaw, and Amy was running. She parted the crowd with a wave of light and rushed through the gap as fast as she could, straight towards the back of the white plastic prefab unit, and the door opened to let her out before she even keyed it.

She put her back against the wall of the prefab and let out a long sigh, trying to keep tears from flowing, wiping at her eyes furiously. She sucked in air, then turned her head to look up, over this yard filled with other stragglers and a few couples, to the bright shining stars in the sky of Mindoir. Her head stabbed with pain, the blood trickling from her nose again, her mouth parched.  
She had to wait until the crowd dispersed or forgot about her, then try to sneak out. Or maybe she could jump that wooden fence. In any case, she needed to get out of here. Just as soon as she could think straight, Jesus did the implant _have _to feel like a fucking knife in the back of the head?

As she contemplated escape routes, she heard the door open beside her, and noticed a head of blue hair turning back and forth in the entryway. Deciding it wasn't worth her notice, she turned her attention to the stars again, until someone _erm_ed next to her. She looked to see green eyes staring out of a pale face under that blue hair. "Hey," the blue girl offered, holding out one of the two cups in her hands. Amy held out a hand and made a face. "It's just water," Blue-Hair added, "people said you weren't feeling good."

Amy scoffed, but took the cup. "They tell you why?"

"Not...really..."

"God, I don't even know why I came," Amy said, acid in her voice. She took a quick gulp of the water. "These people are all fuckin' idiots and assholes. I've got _nothing _in common with them."

"Well-"

"Treat me like some kind of fuckin' dog. Do the fancy tricks. Pieces of shit." Amy chugged the rest of her cup.

"We're not..._all_ like that," Blue said quietly.

"Yeah, I guess you're all right," Amy conceded, looking over to her. "Why were you looking for me, anyway?"

"Oh, I, um," Blue stammered, blushing and looking away. "N-no reason."

Amy raised an eyebrow. "If you say so. Look, I gotta get home soon, my head's killing me, this party sucks, and it's just too loud here. Thanks for the drink." She shoved the cup back into Blue's hand and started walking towards the fence.

"Wait!" Blue cried, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Amy twisted around, getting irritated now. "What?"

"I-I know a place. It's got a great view, and, and it's not far from here, and it's quiet. I-I mean, we've all heard your parents...yell...at...you..." Blue's voice trailed off as Amy's eyes narrowed.

Amy caught herself, and sighed. "You've all heard, huh." She ran a hand down her face. "Okay. Show me."

"Good! Okay! Follow me!" Blue said enthusiastically, heading for the gate in the fence. She held it open for Amy as she passed through, then jumped out ahead of her to lead the way, tossing the empty cup behind her and taking a sip of her own.

"So where are we headed?" Amy asked as they turned the first street corner.

Blue pointed over the rows of prefab shelters, to the rocky hill overlooking the colony. "There's a path that'll lead us up to this great rock, it's perfect for sitting and just, like, looking over Mindoir, you know?"

"Sounds nice," Amy admitted, the music from the party fading as they headed further and further out. "So, you got a name, or should I just call you Blue?"

"Annie."

"First thing you've sounded sure of all night."

Annie let out a nervous laugh, then added, "You can call me Blue if you want..."

Amy smirked. "All right, Blue."

Annie looked over her shoulder and smiled at her, brushing her hair behind her ear. "We're almost to the path," she said, looking forward again just as Amy made eye contact.

They passed out of the prefab complex, and in the dim yellow light from the colony, Amy could see the end of the concrete, and a path of red soil that cut through the blue grasses of Mindoir. The fields of wheat were just barely visible in the distance, the harvesting drones hovering serenely above them, black mechanical silhouettes against the night sky. The world seemed utterly silent, no insect noise, no chirping crickets - none of the things the vids told Amy to expect to hear at night. Annie stopped at the path's beginning and looked back at her. "Something wrong?" she asked.

"Just never been outside the colony before," Amy said. She stepped over the threshold, feeling her boots hit the dirt, the rough uneven texture of actual earth.

"Really? You're always wearing those hiking boots, though," Annie said. "C'mon, this way."

"You think my parents would give me time off to let me go hiking? The only reason they let me out tonight is so that I could 'network'," Amy said.

"You say 'time off' like you're working for them or something," Annie noted as they started up an incline, following a narrow pathway between jagged thrusts of rock, spiralling up around the hill.

"Aren't we all?"

Annie didn't seem to be able to come up with a response, but they appeared to have reached their destination - a large rock shoal, sticking up from the ground at the top of the hill, with a natural bench cut into the front of it. Annie hopped up onto it and gestured for Amy to sit beside her. Amy chose to sit at the opposite end of the shelf - she didn't want things to get awkward. Not that they weren't already.

She drew in some of the warm summer air and raised her head to look out over the view. Beyond the bright white lights of the prefab complex, she could see the fields and the harvester drones again. From here, their rote patterns of movement were obvious, interspersed with flashes of blue light as they scanned stalks and added small drops of water and nutrients to the plants. And beyond and above them, the stars, so much brighter now that they were above the colony. The silence was wonderful, Amy's head clear for the first time in a long while, only the sound of Annie's breathing to break up the night.

Amy looked over to Annie, and saw her flinch away and turn her gaze to the stars, pretending she hadn't been staring. She wasn't really subtle.

"Hey, Blue...thanks," Amy said, struggling to get the word out. "This is really nice."

Annie lowered her head and smiled, apparently not aware that Amy was still looking at her. Amy turned her attention back to the view, bringing up her legs and curling herself up into the rock's cut and pushing herself a little closer to Annie. The air smelled of fresh grass and a little bit of rain - probably from the clouds that were past the fields, illuminated by the twin moons of Mindoir. The cool summer breeze flowed over her hair, and everything seemed calm, for once.

And then her implant flared up again. She gasped in pain and bent into herself, then tried to act normal as Annie looked over in confusion. She was being too nice, she obviously wanted to keep Amy happy, she didn't deserve to have it all ruined for her because of Amy's problems. She looked out at the stars again, but they were blurred, and her face was hot, and tears were suddenly pouring down her cheeks, and-

"What's wrong?"Annie asked, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, hey, is something - are you okay?"

Amy sniffed and clutched the back of her head. "No," she said, curling herself up into a tight ball. "No, I'm not, I'm not okay, all right?"

"Is-is it because-"

"I'm ugly and mean and everyone hates me and I'm all alone?" Amy mumbled, squeezing her eyes shut, the pain jabbing behind them like a spear, her whole body shaking. "No, no, it's just the _fucking _migraines, thanks Mom, thanks Dad, thank you so so so _fucking _much," and her speech dissolved into sobs, not able to think, just raw hatred and pain spilling out of her as her body quaked.

Annie's arms awkwardly fit around her chest and held her tight until the pain started to fade, the stabs coming less frequently, Amy regaining control of her breath. As she tried to calm herself down, she noticed the arms around her, the head on her shoulder, the quiet, frightened breaths of the girl who'd been so kind to her. She touched the clasped hands that circled her chest, and felt them come apart as Annie backed off, her cheeks flushed in the pale light of the moons as Amy swung her legs around to face front again.

"...Are-are you feeling better?" Annie asked, scooting back over cautiously.

"Kind of. The worst is gone." Amy looked down at the ground, planting an elbow on her knee and grinding her palm against her forehead. "Sorry about that."

"How come- I mean, why do you get headaches?" Annie asked.

"It's my parents' fault," Amy began. "When the Alliance liason came down to help me out with my biotics, he said that I could either get the L2 or the L3 for an implant. The L2 was supposed to be powerful, but there were reports of side effects. L3 wasn't as good but it was stable. Mom said I had to be the best damn biotic I could be." Amy sniffed. "Guess I am. Frederick says I've got the most potential power he's ever seen. How I feel about it doesn't matter, I guess."

"That's horrible!" Annie said. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know...is that why you don't come out much?"

"That and everything else I said. I don't even get why Derek invited me. I'm obviously never gonna be worth a shit anywhere social," Amy spat. "Thanks, mom and dad, love the migraines, love the stress, maybe you could just lock me up in the basement and shout 'be successful' into my ear for another fifteen years, not like I'm getting any more friends this way, right?"

Annie bit her lip. "Uh..."

"What?"

"I, uh, was the one who told him to invite you," Annie said sheepishly.

"Jesus, why? Did you just want to torture yourself with my-"

"Because I think you're really pretty and smart and strong and interesting," Annie babbled, "and you're always alone and you always look so sad and and I don't think you deserve it and I wanted..." She clammed up as soon as Amy made eye contact.

"You wanted...?"

"I just wanted you to be happy," Annie said, looking away. "I wanted to see you smile." She looked up again. "You're pretty when you smile."

"You've said that twice now. That I'm pretty."

"I really like your haircut."

"Annie, I..." Amy pushed back her hair and sniffed, then wiped the tears off of her face. "Are you saying...?"

"I don't want you to be alone anymore," Annie said carefully. "I hoped, you know, that coming out tonight, you'd think maybe we're not so bad. And I wanted...to know more about you. We've been in the same classes since we were in, like, sixth grade, and you've always been so distant, and sad, and lonely, and I thought it was because people were just mean to you. I thought..."

"You thought right, partly," Amy sighed. "I'm sorry. I can't do this. Thanks for trying, Annie, but I'm never gonna be the happy-go-lucky party girl you want." She got up.

"No, wait, no, that's not-" Annie let out a frustrated noise as she stood up to follow Amy. "I just want _you_," she said, taking Amy by the shoulders and spinning her around. "I just want you to be around, to talk to people, to have a _life_. And I want to be there with you."

"Leave me alone," Amy said, shoving her off. "In two years I'll be out of here anyway, what's the point? Even if I make friends here I'll just hurt them by-"

Annie wrapped her arms around Amy's waist, pulled her against her body, and kissed her. She gently pulled back once Amy loosened, her muscles losing tension. Amy looked into those green eyes, staring fiercely into her own.

"Blue..." Amy said, numb.

"Amy Shepard, you listen to me," Annie commanded, though the hand cupping Amy's chin was much more gentle, "You _need _to get out more. You _need _to get away from your parents, away from that Alliance officer, away from school. You _need _it. No one can live in stress mode 24/7. So how about this - tomorrow, you come over to my place, we watch a couple movies, hang out for a couple of hours, and you just forget about biotics and grades and college and the military for a while. Deal?"

Amy was still shaken from the kiss, shivering despite how hot she felt. She cleared her throat. "Yeah. Okay. Deal."

Annie grinned, took Amy's face in both of her hands, and kissed her again, this time getting kissed back. As they separated, Annie moved her hands down to grasp Amy's. "See? You're not working out, you're not studying, and you're not 'networking'. And I bet you feel a lot better now than when you're doing any of those things."

Amy just nodded and smiled. "Here, let me give you my number," Annie said, letting go of Amy's hands, freeing them to dig around in her pockets for her phone. Amy went to her contacts list and added one new name and number to the list of three as Annie recited her digits.

"I gotta get home soon," Amy said, noting the time on her phone. "They said I had to be back by twelve."

"I'll walk you back," Annie said, stepping up beside her and taking her hand.

As they began their descent, Amy nervously flexed her fingers within their grip on Annie's hand. "So...you really...like me, don't you?"

"No, I only kiss people I hate," Annie said with a laugh.

Amy blushed and turned her head away. "Sorry, I just...I'm not used to this. I've never even thought about..."

"That's because you're too busy working and not living," Annie chided softly. "I mean, you didn't even know my name."

"I always thought of you as Blue, though."

"Yeah, I know, you actually called me that a few times. I guess you don't remember, but I thought it meant-well, more than it did," Annie admitted.

"I didn't know you were...well, I didn't know _I _was-"

"Gay?"

"...yeah."

"See, this is what I'm talking about. _Everybody _knows I'm gay. Everybody _thought_ you were gay - guess we know that's true now. You gotta pay more attention to people, give a little bit of thought to the little guys, you know? It'll make them like you more, and that'll make you like them more, so you won't be all bitter and mean all the time," Annie lectured.

"You've gotten a lot more demanding since this evening started," Amy accused.

"Well, I was nervous, but then...well, you showed me that I don't have to be scared of you. You were...you let me in. And I know that you're not gonna listen unless I beat it into you, you stubborn bitch."

"You're probably right," Amy admitted as she stepped back up onto the colony's concrete.

"You don't get to go back into hiding, okay? I won't let you."

"Promise," Amy replied.

"Well...here were are," Annie said as they stopped outside prefab unit 161.

"Yeah..." Amy didn't want to let go. She could see silhouettes moving behind the window blinds.

"You could stay out, you know," Annie said slyly. "They don't have to know."

"They'll call me as soon as it's midnight. They'll know," Amy said sadly. She turned to look Annie in the eye, and took her other hand. "Listen, Blue..." She took a step closer. "Thanks. For everything, tonight. You'll call me tomorrow, right?"

"Of course," Annie said, closing the gap between them.

"I'm looking forward to it." Amy's heart pumped madly, her breath shortened, and she gave Annie a nervous peck. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she let go of Annie to dig it out - and in the process, spotted her mother's eye poking between the blinds of their prefab.

"'Night, cutie," Annie said as Amy answered her phone.

As Annie walked away, Amy's mother's voice rang in her ear. "Where are you?"

"I'm right outside the door, I know you're looking," Amy said wearily as she walked towards the door and pressed her palm against the pad. She hung up and stuffed the phone back into her pocket as she walked into the kitchen. Her mother stood up from the table and narrowed her eyes at her.

"And who was that young lady? Someone important, I hope," she said.

"I think she's my girlfriend."


	2. Shadow of the Monolith

**Shadow of the Monolith**

"Amy? You feeling better?" Frederick called through the door.

Amy felt Annie's arms shift around her, then a kiss on her forehead. "Are you?" she asked. Amy grinned and squeezed her eyes closed. "You little shit, you're fine," Annie accused, withdrawing her arms and sitting up on Amy's bed. "Come on, get up."

"Don't wanna," Amy replied in the most childish voice she could muster.

"Amy, I don't wanna be your mom or anything, but if you're gonna have the headaches you might as well have the magic, right?"

Amy sighed and opened her eyes, rolling over to face the ceiling. "Yeah, but I like this a lot better. It helps, too."

Annie smiled, leaned down, and kissed her. "I'm sure cuddling is a great painkiller, Amy, but I want to see you kicking ass on an Alliance vid some day. Or kicking your parents' asses."

"Now that's motivation," Amy said, sitting up at last. "Hey, I don't know if I've said it before, but..."

"I'm an awesome girlfriend and the only reason you have a social life?" Annie said smugly.

"Well, that," Amy conceded, punching Annie in the shoulder, "and thanks for coming to my lessons. You've got no reason to sit around and watch me fuck up."

"Bullshit!" Annie objected. "I get to watch you do crazy awesome shit and glow blue, plus the cuddles. I'm getting the better end of _this _bargain."

"If you say so." Amy scooted up off the bed. "All right. Time to give myself another migraine."

"You know, saying it makes it happen," Annie said.

"Doesn't matter if I say it or don't say it, Blue, it's the truth," Amy replied, opening the door. "'Kay, Fred. Let's go," she said, walking into the living room that'd had all of its furniture pushed against the walls to make space for the day's training. The Alliance liaison was nowhere in sight.

"Fred?" Amy called as Annie walked up beside her.

A dark-haired, muscled man came in from the kitchen, orange holograms lining his wrist as he stared at it intensely. "Sorry, Amy, just..." He swept a few lines across the display, then cursed. "Dammit!"

"Something wrong?" Amy asked, walking over to him.

"Comms with the Alliance are down, I lost the Einstein's signal. Can't send my report on your progress," he explained.

"I'm sure they could do without another 'Shepard continues not to live up to her full potential', Fred," Amy said, walking back to the center of the room as Annie stepped out of the way. "C'mon, let's do this barriers thing so me and Annie can get to Derek's before Mom and Dad come back."

"You don't give yourself enough credit, Amy," Fred said, fading his hologram from his wrist and dropping into a battle stance, facing her. "Now put up a barrier."

Amy slammed her palms together, and enveloped herself in a layer of blue light. She held out a palm in Fred's direction. He flung orbs of biotic power into her, one right after the other, and she expanded the field from her body out into a small sphere as they were harmlessly absorbed. He ceased his attack for a second, his eyes darting to the side - and then he tossed an orb around her bubble and straight for Annie at the back.

Amy reacted instantly, gathering the energy of the bubble into her hand and firing it out of her palm as a lance of blue, striking the orb in mid-flight and causing a minor explosion that rattled the television set on the wall. She turned back to him, fury in her black eyes.

"What the fuck was that?!" she hissed, as Fred started to laugh - the nerve of the fucker!

"Just testing your reflexes. Told you you don't give yourself enough credit," Fred replied. "Look, she's fine, it would've just bounced off her anyhow."

"Blue? You okay?" Amy asked suspiciously, keeping her eyes on Fred.

"Damn, girl, I didn't even notice it coming 'till you blew it up," Annie said.

"A detonation any Alliance specialist would be proud of," Fred said. "If you were a few years older, I'd recommend you for field training _today_, Amy. Hell, I've never even _seen _someone manipulate their barrier like that, that could be a whole new tactic."

Amy relaxed, standing up straight and cracking her neck. "Uh, thanks, I guess," she said, rubbing her forehead.

"I keep telling you you're awesome," Annie said, coming up behind her and putting her arms around her waist, "But you never listen to _me..._"

Fred brought up his omni-tool again. "I'm recommending that I stay on and make sure you keep practicing, as well adding a formal rec letter for you to join the Alliance as a biotic combat specialist in two years. I think you've learned all I can really teach you, and a little more, so we can just have these sessions once a week to keep your skills sharp. Maybe a little discreet firearms training, too."

Amy had been busy playing with a few of Annie's curls, but looked up at the mention of 'once a week'. "So...you mean, I'm done?" she asked.

"As far as I'm concerned. Your abilities are beyond what even I can do, and I've trained you in almost everything I can manage - I might still beat you in a straight-up fight, but that's because of experience, which you could get in the Alliance," Fred said.

"Well, Amy? What do you think?" Annie asked, circling around her. "You gonna go be a military badass? Keep humanity safe?"

"It...might pay for university on Earth," Amy said, frowning.

"I'd say you should go career. Your parents might disapprove, but I don't think you really want to be a doctor or a scientist or whatever they think they're turning you into," Fred suggested, a touch of disdain in his voice. "It's up to you, naturally, but-"

A loud blast interrupted him, and the whole prefab shook, glassware rattling on top of the coffee tables pushed to the corner. Annie had to hold on to Amy to keep from falling.

"What the fuck was that?" Amy asked, running to the window. Smoke poured from somewhere beyond the complex.

"That was one of our defense towers!" Fred shouted, frantically pawing at his omni-tool.

A second blast rocked the house, sending Amy's cheek into the window. "Fuck!" she swore, wiping blood away from her mouth.

"There goes the other one! We're under attack!" Fred exclaimed.

Amy saw the sky outside darken as a large, black angular ship screamed down from the heavens, landing just at the edge of the complex.

"It has to be pirates - or worse, slavers," Fred said, taking his pistol from the holster on his hip and throwing up a barrier around himself. "I need to get to the comms center and get us back online, get the Einstein down here. Amy, Annie - you stay here, see if you can-"

"We're going with you," Amy said, turning to him.

"Amy, no, I need you to-"  
"If we lose you, we lose the colony," Amy said. "If you die trying to fix the comms we've got no one else here with any military training or access to Alliance channels. It's you or no one. I can protect both you and Annie."

"No, Annie should stay here," Fred argued. "She needs to stay safe."

"I'd be safer with you," Annie said, "Nobody else can protect me like Amy."

"But you-"

"I'm not letting her out of my sight," Amy growled. "We don't have time for a debate, we're going. I'll keep up a barrier, all of us are moving to the comm center. Got it?"

"Keep that up and you'll get your own squad," Fred mumbled, dissolving his own shield. "All right. Let's go."

The three of them ran out the front of the house, into the colony streets. The world seemed eerily calm. A young man with blond hair ran up to Amy as she created her barrier around the party.

"Amy? What's going on?" he asked.

"Derek, call everyone you know and get your dad's guns out of that locker. Get everyone together and ready for a fight. Get the kids somewhere safe. Got it?" Amy replied.

"What? What're you-"

"The three of us are going to get comms back up and send out a distress signal, but I need you to organize the colony to provide a distraction and keep them from taking us. Got me?" Amy asked. "Get the word out and keep people safe. Move it!"

"Got it, Shepard," Derek said, running off.

"I'll make sure to add "command material" to my letter," Fred said, surprised.

"Shut up and keep moving. We don't know how much time we have before-"

The first gunshot rang out, and it didn't stop there.

"Get us there, Fred!" Amy shouted. He nodded and quickly started off towards the center of the colony.

"Controls are in the Town Hall, should've been set up to match Alliance protocols. Once we get there I should be able to figure out the problem," Fred said.

Luckily, they were moving away from the ship's landing site, and were able to make it safely to the Town Hall - the only non-prefab building in the colony, a great white dome built long after the first settlers had arrived. Amy's barrier held steady against the occasional stray bullet that passed between the thin walls of a prefab, and they didn't seem to be in any serious danger as they entered through the double doors. Amy hoped that the colonists could hold the attackers off long enough for them to get a signal out, and at the very least extract the three of them.

Already that was where her highest hopes we at.

Fred led them through silent, deserted hallways of gold trim and red carpeting - a pretense to extravagance for the no visitors the colony received. With every step, Amy grew more and more nervous, flexing her hands as she held up the barrier. _This place should be crazy. Everyone should be panicking and trying to do what we're doing, _she thought.

They came across a large steel door marked "Authorization Required", which Fred easily opened with his omni-tool - and as it slid into the ceiling, it revealed a scene of horror.

Dead men covered the floor, their armor split open at the seams by the glowing white strands of some strange net, heads riddled with holes or smashed inward to show fragments of the skull. Annie gasped and looked away, but Fred just shook his head.

"Of course. They must've dropped a former SIU down on the planet first, then had him come through here and perform the sabotage. Those nets are an SIU tactic, and what he did to their heads is a Hegemony omni-tool technique," Fred said, stepping over the bodies. "Come on. The comm console isn't far from here."

The room they'd entered into, the lobby for secure colonial business, seemed to have been the area where the attacker had held out, for they found nothing in the further hallways Fred led them to until they heard a deep, throaty voice coming from around a corner.

"Horak? Yeah. Yeah, I've taken care of it. Jammer's operational. The Alliance has no idea we're here, trust me," he said in a deep, throaty voice. "I'm pulling population data. Do a headcount once we get them all on board. Also, I think there's an Alliance officer here, so-"

As soon as they turned the corner, Fred fired several shots into the batarian's back, creating small waves of blue energy as they struck his kinetic barrier. He quickly turned from the console he was working on and pulled his shotgun from his back, firing into the barrier before he realized it was there. His green, spotted face curled into a snarl, and he tried to run inside of the barrier to continue the fight - but it retracted just before he reached it, curled up into Amy's palm and fired as a blue lance straight through his gut. He collapsed to the ground, coughing up blood as Amy panted.

"So...so that's why he's here," he said, chortling as he rolled over. "Very impressive, human, but it won't save your colony."

"We'll see about that," Amy growled, stepping on him as they made their way to the console he'd been working on.

He grunted, then laughed again. "Horak's already mobilizing a squad to come take care of you. You'll never get a signal out in time."

Amy turned around as Fred began to manipulate the console's haptic controls, and stomped on his throat with her boot. He finally seemed to shut up, blood running from the sides of his mouth as he sputtered.

"Looks like he reconfigured the comm dish to act as a jammer for all communications. Probably how nobody in the colony got word of the attack here before it was done," he said. "Guessing he sabotaged the towers, too. I can fix this. Amy, get that barrier back up. Annie, take my gun."

"What?" Annie said, visibly shaken as she stared down at the dying batarian.

"I don't care if you don't hit anything, a little suppressing fire will keep them from charging the barrier," Fred said. "We're more than a little exposed here."

It was true - the console stood at the tip of a cross-shaped hallway, the right-facing side of the cross being where they'd come in. Amy took a deep breath and put up a strong rectangular barrier that hit all four corners of the hallway behind Fred as Annie took Fred's gun from his holster. The batarian let out a last choke and lay silent as Annie stepped up beside Amy.

She looked over, eyes wide as Amy held out her hands to keep the barrier up. "You just...killed him, and you didn't even think about it," she said.

"He could've hurt you," Amy replied. "It was instinct."

"You scare me sometimes, Amy," Annie admitted quietly, holding the pistol out. "The bullets will go through from this side?"

"Fred taught me how to do it. You can keep them at bay, just shoot in their general direction and keep them from hitting the barrier too much at once," Amy instructed. "I don't need you to mow down batarians, just keep them scared. You can do this, Annie, okay?"

Annie nodded and leveled the gun unsteadily at the cross-section of the hallway before them. "We're going to make it through this," Amy assured her, gritting her teeth. "I'm not letting these bastards take us."

Four eyes glinted as a head poked around the corner from where they'd come in. "We got 'em! Biotic kid, another with a gun, Alliance at the controls!" a scratchy voice barked, adding, "Barrier in the way! Charge it!"

As the batarian rounded the corner and started to run, Annie held up her pistol and unloaded in his general direction. Small bursts of flame erupted around the batarian, staggering him as two shots thudded into his chest and glowed white-hot on his armor. "Little surprise for you, fuckers," Fred said as the charger cursed and ran across the firezone to the other side. The little nubs of hot metal flew from his position into the hallway.

"Incendiary ammo!" the charger barked as footsteps filled the hall. "Jin, we need a biotic grenade, now!"

"A _what_?" Amy said, closing her eyes and focusing on maintaining the barrier.

"Fuck!" Fred swore, and the barrier pulsed with purple light as he left the console and stood beside Amy. A flashing blue grenade flew out from behind a corner, tinkling to the ground just in front of the barrier.

"Fire in the hole!" a batarian cried.

A bright blast of blue stretched the combined barrier inward, the outline just barely scraping the edge of Amy's nose before it bent back into shape. The wall shuddered and quivered in place, and seemed to be flickering despite Fred's aid.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Amy shouted. "Get back on that console!"

"I'm not letting you die!" Fred yelled back. "We're-"

"If you don't get that ship down here, we're all dead! Get the Alliance right fucking now!" Amy interrupted. "I can handle this, Fred. Go!"

He looked at her for a second, then nodded and left as the barrier pulsed blue once more. "You and me, Blue. Let's save this shitty town," Amy said. Annie nodded and leveled the gun at the hallway.

"I'm ready," she said, her breath shuddering.

"Move up! They're weakened, open fire!" the squad leader called, coming out from behind his corner and holding down the trigger on his assault rifle. Amy could feel the tension in her muscles as she pushed the barrier to keep it steady. The squad leader was joined by three others who came out from behind his original corner, one throwing biotic orbs into their defense, the others unloading a shotgun and assault rifle, respectively. Annie threw fire into their ranks as they pushed forward, staggering their approach, until one of her shots hit home - a burning hunk of metal buried in the center of the squad leader's four eyes. He collapsed instantly, and Annie kept firing, even as the barrier began to flicker and fade. Amy heard a stray shot whizz past her ear, and knew that she couldn't hold it - so she gave it one final push.

A wave of blue swept down the hallway, sending the batarians tumbling backward head-over-heels - including their squad leader, who landed on top of the biotic. Amy fell to one knee, gasping, then ordered, "Shoot them, dammit!"

Annie unloaded on the prone batarians, starting a flesh fire that sent a sharp, disgusting odor into Amy's nose as she struggled to raise herself up. The burning pile moaned and screamed in agony, and Amy saw Annie close her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks as she continued to fire blindly. A loud warning beep came out of the gun, and suddenly all that could be heard were the screams of dying batarians and _click_s from Fred's pistol.

"Got it!" Fred said. "Einstein! Einstein, come in Einstein! This is Frederick von Hoss from Mindoir, we are under attack by batarian slavers, please assist!"

"ETA Ten minutes, von Hoss, we are en route immediately, we had suspected something. Good luck down there," the console responded.

The pile of burning flesh pitched, and a batarian rose to his feet, holding his rifle in one hand. He screamed, his armor shooting flames from a dozen holes as he rose the rifle and put it on his knee.

Amy couldn't respond in time.

The bullets sliced through Annie's gut and Amy's leg just as she raised up a barrier to block the rest of the burst, the batarian's war-cry filling the air until his gun overheated. Annie stumbled backward, and Amy screamed in rage, dissolving the barrier and running at the batarian, trailing blue light. He slammed his fist into his rifle, his four eyes widening in fear before Amy grabbed him by the neck and lifted him up with a glowing claw. Without thinking, pure rage driving her muscles, she reached up with her other hand and tore out an eye. The batarian instantly went limp from shock. She threw him into the wall and ran back to Annie.

Fred had her steadied, his hand on her blood-covered stomach as she hyperventilated. "Oh, God, oh God," she whispered.

"Give her to me," Amy ordered.

"Amy, you're hurt - Christ, there's blood all over your leg!" Fred exclaimed.

"I need you to hold up a barrier and get us to the Einstein," Amy said. "I can still walk. Blue, can you stand?"  
"I-I don't-" Annie moaned in pain as Fred adjusted his grip.

"I'll support you. We'll make it, okay? We can do this," Amy urged. "Fred, give her to me."

"We can't-okay," Fred said, letting go of Annie.

Amy caught her just as she was about to fall, and put an arm around her shoulder to steady her. "Fred, where is the Einstein landing?"

"They sent me co-ordinates. They'll be as close to the colony as possible. Are you sure-"

"We can make it, Fred, if you get us there _fast. Move!_" Amy shouted. Fred threw up a bubble and started to power-walk back they way they came. Amy held Annie up as they struggled back through the complex, past the piles of bodies, out the front gates into a colony that smelled of smoke, ash, and sulfur. The batarian ship stood above it all like a monolith, dominating the horizon.

Annie gasped, then went limp in Amy's arms. Amy stumbled, pain stabbing through her leg as she struggled to support the girl.

"Annie? Annie, talk to me," Amy demanded, lifting her up into a bridal carry and leaning down close to her. "Come on, I can see the ship, look, it's coming down now."

The _Einstein _flared into existence far above them, re-entry lighting it up like a comet as it came down. "Amy, come on, we have to go," Frederick urged.

"I'm okay," Annie managed, her voice weak. "Just-just get me there soon, okay?"

"I will," Amy promised, looking up. "Fred. Take us there. Now."

Screams filled the air as they approached the landing site of the voices begged not to be taken, begged to be kept out of the pens. Amy looked straight ahead. _Turn onto the main street and at the end will be the loading ramp. Keep walking. Ignore the pain. Just like a migraine, you have to fight it._

_Turn._

The main street burned. Fires and smoke poured out of every prefab, screams and gunfire from all directions, no sources, just chaos surrounding their little blue bubble of relative safety.

Annie wasn't breathing.

"Annie?" Amy said, looking down. The blue girl's green eyes stared straight ahead. "Annie?"

"Come on, Amy!" Fred shouted. "Just a little bit-"

"Biotic! Middle of the street!"

A single bullet ripped through the barrier and struck Frederick in the shoulder. The island of calm was gone, and they poured out of the buildings to take on the threat. Too many.

Something stirred inside of Amy, a primal rage she'd never felt before, buried under frustration, petty grudges, and repression. Her fingers clenched around Annie, her mind throbbing with pain, her muscles tense, her leg shaking underneath her. And that primal rage came out of her.

Violet tendrils of light lashed out from her body as she walked forward, lockstep, not looking at anything but the path ahead. They struck flesh and tore it apart at the molecular level, batarians crying out in agony as their bodies dissolved into ash and energy, their bullets vanishing as soon as they entered Amy's field of annihilation. Nothing survived her passing. Frederick limped behind, clutching his shoulder, staring slack-jawed at the biotic display before him. He only saw her back and her power, and not the tears streaming down her cheeks.

The _Einstein _landed, light pouring out as the loading ramp extended, soldiers running and jumping off before it even hit the ground. Amy stalked up the ramp, leaving a bloody footprint with each step, Annie's body in her arms. As she reached the peak of the ramp, the fire in her head flared, and all went black.

* * *

"Oh, hey, you're up."

Frederick wiped the sleep from his eyes and sat up in the bunk. "Yeah, I am," he confirmed, scratching his head. "Something up?"

"That girl from the colony was here just a bit ago, think she wanted to see you. Didn't want to wake you up, she said," Zabaleta explained, taking a sip from his flask. Fred hadn't seen the marine without it since they'd left the colony.

"Guess I'll go see her," Fred said, getting up and locating his dirty Alliance uniform on the ground. As he pulled it on and strapped the holster across his hip, he looked on top of the dresser, and found it curiously empty.

"Zabaleta, where's my pistol?" he asked.

"She said she was going down to the range on the Citadel."

"She isn't," Fred said, a chill striking his chest. "Computer, where is Amelia Shepard?"

"Camera systems indicate the guest you requested is in the observation room on deck four, Specialist von Hoss," a pleasant female voice replied.

"Vital signs?"

"Scans indicate high stress levels and neural damage. The patient is stable."

"There might still be time," Fred said. "How the _hell _did you let her take my-"

"Sorry, man, sorry-"

"No time for this," Fred interrupted, pushing past the lieutenant and running out of the barracks. He ran through the hallways of the _Einstein_ and ran into the elevator just as the doors began to close for a marine. He jabbed the four button, then looked at the panel, seeing deck 3 lit up as well. He hit the three button to cancel it.

"Hey, man, what the hell?" the woman behind him asked.

"I don't know how much time I have before someone _dies_," Fred hissed. "You can wait, all right?"

She put her hands up and backed off, Fred watching the door as cold sweat beaded on the base of his neck. As soon as the doors were open he took off in a flash, following the signs - _damn_, it was a big ship - until he slammed into the observation room door at full pelt. "Privacy mode engaged," the door chimed cheerfully.

"Frederick von Hoss, authorization 2-1-6-0-8-4-8-8-1, override on account of crew safety," Fred recited automatically. The door parted, and gave Fred a view of a long window showing the Citadel's arms stretched out before him. He looked to his right, and saw Amy staring forward, his pistol to her head, her breathing calm and measured.

"Leave," she said.

"Amy-"

"Stop. _Leave._"

"No."

The gun started to shake. "Please."

"I'm not letting you do this."

"Why not?!" Amy shouted, then took a deep breath. "Why should I be alive?"

"Amy-"

"_No. _I couldn't save her. I didn't save anyone. So if I can't do that, if I can't save people, if my powers won't help the world - why should I have to keep on living? Why should I have to go through the pain every fucking day, have to live with this thing in my head, if I'm useless and nobody even cares about me?" She said it so calmly. "The last person who cared about _me_, not what I can do, died because I failed her."

Fred slowly approached her. Her hand shook on the gun, and she pressed it closer to her head, but he kept walking. "Amy."

"What? What? Are you going to take this away, too? Can't I just make my own fucking decision for once in my life?"

Frederick knelt down. "Amy, I care about you."

"No, no, I'm just a job to you, if I die it's gonna look pretty fucking bad-"  
Frederick grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to her feet, resting his head on her shoulder and holding her close. "Amy, if you die, I will never be the same," he told her. "You're like a daughter to me. Please, don't do this."

She sniffed, returning the embrace and leaving a wet imprint of her face on his chest. They stood there for a moment, then she pulled away, the gun still in her hand. She looked up at him, eyebrows up, pleading.

"But you were just like my parents. Kept pushing and pushing so that I reflected better on you," she said, wiping her eyes.

"Amy, I pushed because I wanted you to have the power to be yourself," Fred said quietly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I wanted you to be as strong as you could be so that you could make your own destiny, whatever you wanted it to be." He sighed. "You don't spend four years looking after someone you don't care for. And I think you could do great things."

"Go career. Right." Amy looked away, at the ground. "I can't. I can't, I can't save people, didn't you _see _that?"

"Amy, a single Alliance specialist and two sixteen-year-old girls saved thirty people from enslavement. If it weren't for you, nobody would've gotten out. I would've been killed by that squad, and the Einstein either wouldn't have gotten there or been there too late," Fred argued. "You did better than anyone could have expected. You have the strength and the power to save the whole damn galaxy if we just give you a little more training."

Amy sank back into the couch. "She believed in me too. She was wrong, and she paid for it."

"I miss her too, Annie. You think I didn't like her?"

"I-I mean-"

"You aren't grieving alone. You're never alone, not with me," Fred said, sitting beside her. "How could I not like her, not miss her? She made you so happy. When you were with her, you smiled, you laughed, you yelled at me, you were finally free." He sighed. "I loved her just like I love you. And she'd want you to go on, she wanted that for you, she wanted you to be your own woman."

Amy didn't say anything.

"What you could accomplish, Amy...it's worth it."

She turned towards him and handed him the gun, without a word, and stood. As she left the observation room, Fred turned his pistol over in his hands, and prayed that someday she might recover.

He prayed that someday, Amelia Shepard's name would be known across the galaxy.


	3. Silence of the Desert

**Silence of the Desert**

"Look, Amy, I'm just sayin'-"

"Sergeant," Shepard corrected, hopping out of the Mako and onto the desert sands of Akuze. "And cut the chatter, Corporal, we're on a search and rescue."

"It's just some downed comms, guarantee ya," Toombs replied, catching up to her as she started for the grey mass of a colony in the distance. "Why can't we just drive on up there?"

"Because the colony's scanners reported strange seismic activity within a mile's radius of the colony and I don't want to drive into a sinkhole," Shepard said. "Form up!" she shouted to the three others following them. "This was in the briefing, were you not paying attention?"

As other troop transports roared into position behind them, Toombs shrugged. "Nope! But anyway, as I was saying, you've really got to take _advantage _of a shore leave like that!"

"And what's that supposed to mean, Corporal?"

"It means you get off the damn range and go fuck somebody."

Shepard smiled, despite herself. Toombs was brash, impatient, and frequently vulgar. She liked him.

"Corporal, you are ordered to keep silent until the conclusion of this mission," she said, as her way of showing affection. Toombs threw his arms up and smiled back as the rest of the squad formed up behind Shepard. She turned to face them.

"We have limited information on the colony - a lot seems unnecessarily classified," she said. "Nevertheless, we are here looking for _survivors. _Don't shoot anyone before they shoot at you. Our squad will be entering through the back. There are fifty marines here, so keep an eye on each other and we should be fine."

"Shitload of people for some backwater science commune," Toombs remarked.

"Shut it, Toombs. Move out!"

As they started a large circle around the little prefab complex, Toombs jogged to catch up with Shepard. "So who do you go for, anyway? Like, big tough chicks, pretty-boys, what?"

"Toombs-"

"No, come on, I wanna know this shit."

"That's fantastic. I hope you enjoy this ever-expanding search for knowledge of shit. Now shut-"

Toombs, however, was on point today. "Come on. You rise up through the ranks in like three years, get assigned to us with this huge list of all your recommendations, act like a stone-cold badass in everything you do, and you're telling me you _don't _want people to know you? I wanna be tough like you."

"Very flattering, Corporal, but knowing my preferred partners won't help."

"It might be fun."

Shepard looked over her shoulder at the squad - Perkins at the back, as usual, with Geran and Imilata practically walking backwards as they talked to him, sharp bursts of laughter occasionally penetrating the oppressive silence of this windless desert. They wouldn't hear. And if they did, she reasoned, none of them had Toombs' balls. None of them would dare say a word.

"If you have to know," she said finally, "I'm not interested in a detailed dissection, but the first and last one was a girl with blue hair."

"Who?" Toombs urged, leaning in expectantly.

"Back on Mindoir."

Toombs backpedaled immediately. "Oh, shit, sorry, didn't mean to-"

"It's all right," Shepard said, possibly for the first time since she got command. "I just wanted you to _get _why I'm not interested in that. It didn't go well last time."

"Yeah, yeah, got it." Toombs rubbed the back of his neck. In the silence that followed, the radio crackled in Shepard's ear.

"Team one has entered the facility. No sign of struggle or survivors. Keep alert."

"Roger," Shepard replied, glad for the distraction. "We're about halfway around, ETA two minutes."

"Understood, team eight. Commander Haedrig out."

"You know..." Toombs began, scratching behind his ear. "It's been a long time since Mindoir. Maybe you don't have to jump into anything serious, but..."

Shepard gave him a warning look - a friendly one, she thought, but he pressed on. "I mean, it might be good for you. You're so serious all the time. A kiss or two won't hurt ya."

"Corporal, if you keep talking like this I'm going to have to report you for attempted fraternization," Shepard joked, forcing unwilling and unused facial muscles into a smirk.

Toombs laughed. "Okay, maybe not, even smiling seems like hard work for you," he said, clapping her on the shoulder. "You let me take you drinking next time we're on shore leave, I'm sure I can get you a girl with _some _kinda funky hair."

"No promises." Shepard finally stopped, holding her hand up for her squad as they reached their destination: a solid steel bulkhead, a massive closed entrance to a loading bay. Shepard ordered Imilata to key her Alliance credentials into the small console on the side, and as the multisectional door opened, it revealed an abundance of absolutely nothing. A great, empty steel box, bereft of anything but half-assembled vehicles and unopened crates. Shepard's eyes narrowed.

"Team one, this is Sergeant Shepard. We've just entered the loading bay. No sign of-"

"Struggle or survivors," the commander finished. "Same story all over. The place is just deserted, we've just completed our initial sweep of the living quarters. Teams two and three are searching the databanks, coming up with nothing so far."  
"Orders?"

"Lock down that loading bay and clear some space. If we have to, we'll sit on this colony until the scientists spontaneously evolve. Haedrig out."

"'Drig sounds pissed," Toombs noted.

"It's like someone's pulling a prank," Perkins piped up as they moved into the bay.

"Or a trap," Shepard noted. "Keep your guns hot. Let's get to moving these crates. I get the feeling we're bunking here tonight."

* * *

And indeed, they did just that: tents were brought in from the Makos, along with a few cans of grade-A army mush, and Shepard and her squad ended up sitting around a blue lamp, the first team on watch at the edge of the camp. Perkins, Imilata, and Geran were asleep, naturally, but Toombs and Shepard were model soldiers to the core.

"This is freaking me out," Toombs said.

"It is what it is," Shepard replied, taking a swig from her water bottle and wiping her chapped lips. "Two and three are still trying to crack the encryption on that security footage. We'll get something by morning."

"Bad shit happens at night," Toombs asserted, leaning back on his bedroll, a finger still wrapped around his pistol.

"Battle doesn't wait for sunset."

"Yeah, but I'm telling you, all the especially bad shit happens at night," Toombs repeated. "Cops, STDs, bar fights, and ambushes, that's what night means."

"And yet you want to take me out for a night of drinking."

"Bad shit's good for your character."

"Yeah, I'm sure Mindoir'll eventually turn out to be a good thing."

"Shit, Shepard, I didn't mean-"

"I know." He was right, of course. Memories, too, came at night.

The silence in the loading bay was not the same as that of the desert. Shepard knew the various silences of the world by now; there was lifelessness, and then there was life holding its breath, and this was the bay's quiet. An uneasy tension filled the air, soldiers shifting in their sleep, brief snippets of conversation quickly hushed in the dark and harsh lantern shadows. She wondered how many of the other squads were actually asleep, and how many were wide awake on their bedrolls. And surely enough, she spotted Perkins' eyes flash in and out of sight just as she leaned back on her hands.

She couldn't decide if a howling wind outside would make the knot in her stomach better, or worse. The echo of the loading bay seemed like just too much. She unholstered her pistol and starting tinkering with its ammo configuration, just to make her body do something, and then the first tremor hit.

Shepard jumped to her feet and hit the shoulder light on her armor, Toombs struggling up beside her. Across the loading bay, beams of white light flared over scenes of stirring soldiers. Her fingers twitched on her pistol.

Another tremor rocked the bay and sent a stack of crates tumbling down, marines scrambling out of the way as they crashed and splintered. No one said a word, even as the rest of Shepard's squad got up out of their half-sleep.

With the third tremor came an emergence.

In the center of the makeshift camp, the concrete under their feet bucked, cracked, heaved, and split apart, throwing slabs of stone up into the ceiling as a collection of teeth, claws, and luminescent green sludge rose, screaming. Soldiers cried out in agony as the acidic spray melted through their armor and flesh, the camp thrown into chaos like a swarm of moths around a flame - all circling, circling the thresher maw, and opening fire.

Shepard's gunfire was just one among many, just a firecracker in a barrage, but aiming the assault rifle and controlling the recoil was the only way to face down that monstrosity without shakes building in her limbs. And Toombs' rifle beside her, that was all she needed - the rest of her squad was already preparing their own firepower. The thing cried and recoiled as blood poured from its scaly head, and finally it collapsed, the two great claws slamming down into the chests of two last marines as it sunk into its hole. Crimson drops flew into the air, suspended in the flashlight beams, and then dropped to the ground, and the cacophony began.

"'Drig's fucking dead," Toombs said as he held his hand to his ear, trying to make out the radio chaos that even Shepard couldn't decipher. "We got no orders."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. She keyed her radio. "Shut the fuck up!" she shouted, and quite suddenly all was back to uneasy silence, heads turning towards her. "This is Sergeant Shepard of unit eight. We are moving out _immediately. _We are packing nothing and heading straight back to the transports. We move through the facility, quickly, get in the Makos, and we are running back to LZ. Am I clear?"

"Affirmative, Sergeant."

"Yes, ma'am."

As the affirmatives rolled in, Shepard cracked her neck. "There's no telling if there's more than one of those things," she told her squad. "We're lucky it hit the center instead of us. Let's go."

Squad eight led the crowd through the doors at the back of the bay, through a bulkhead and into the main facility itself - halls so small that only three could walk side-by-side at a time, to conserve space. Tremors occasionally rocked the ground, but no maws emerged - yet. And then, screaming over the radio. Units two and three, in the center of the facility, were gone before Shepard could even request a sit-rep.

She ordered the squads to separate throughout the facility - if they were all caught in one place when a maw arrived, they'd be slaughtered, and if they tried to go all the way around outside the facility, they could be overrun. Shepard knew that she could outrun any maw that got itself stuck in these cramped spaces, and as Squad Eight moved through the dormitories on their way to the airlock, she sighed in relief that she had heard no further emergences.

The airlock's gunmetal curves were just in front of her when the third maw came.

It broke through somewhere inside and slammed its head into the steel, throwing the doors directly at Shepard and her squad even as they dove for cover. One panel hit Geran right in the chest, and left her a bloody smear on the wall, the image burning itself into Shepard's eyes as she watched from her position, pinned against a bunk. Screams echoed through on the radio as a fourth, a fifth, a sixth - and she shut it off. There could be no distractions now. There was just her, three marines, and the thresher.

She stepped out into the hallway. There was no way that four guns could put out the firepower needed to kill this thing - not a chance. But she could kill it. She knew she could, if only everyone else would stay out of the way.

"Stay. In. Cover."

Her order was absolute and certain, but still Perkins stepped out in front of her, and the acid glob fused his helmet to his head in an instant. He fell to the floor, body convulsing with the last nerve firings of a disintegrating brain stem, blood pooling at Shepard's feet. She walked on, towards the screaming and thrashing maw that was tearing the very walls apart with wild swings of its claws. It seemed manic, frantic - almost frightened.

And Shepard was not afraid.

The air around her pulsed and began to glow with brilliant blue biotic power, particles swirling around her as she approached the maw. She threw her rifle to the ground. The maw raised its claws, tearing through the rafters above and becoming entangled in a mass of twisted metal. Its lower jaw jiggled obscenely as another hock of acid began to build in its throat, but Shepard was prepared, and blasted it aside as soon as it left the maw's mouth. Finally, she came so close that the maw strained and reached and opened its jaws over her, preparing to swallow her whole - and then she struck. As the jaws started to close, she thrust with all her might against them, one hand pushing the upper jaw up, the other pushing the lower one down. The upper jaw struggled, bent backward, and snapped, and then the creature's head split open in a gory mass of blood and teeth, splattering Shepard's onyx armor with vomitous dapples.

She let herself breathe.  
Toombs and Imilata stepped out behind her, speechless. Shepard put one hand to her head and staggered backward into Toombs' arms as he tried to steady her.

"Jesus, Shepard," he said.

"I'm _fine_," she said, regaining her balance and adjusting her footing. "There's still a mile to-"

The ground split beneath Imilata and she was suddenly hoist far into the air, a smaller maw - only the width of a human - rising beneath her, both claws embedded in her ribs, and ripped her in half. Shepard tried another biotic kick, but the fire in her head flared once more and she saw black- and then, from her back, she saw the adolescent maw dragging Toombs down, down, and out of sight, and she was alone.

She rose to her feet and walked out of the torn airlock, pieces of the maw and Imilata squishing beneath her boots. She emerged into the desert and did not look back at the mass of fire and screaming and torn metal behind her, only towards the vehicles glinting white in the growing dawn. She did not run.

When she reached one, she opened the door on the side and climbed in, sitting herself down at the driver's console. With the map showing clearly the way to a skeleton-crewed ship on top of a rocky plateau, she drove. Frantic questions came in over the vehicle's radio, but all Amelia did was drive.


	4. Proxy

**Proxy**

"Alenko, there's nothing else I can do. Find somewhere quiet and lie down, that's the only option at this point." Chakwas put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder to accentuate her point. "There's no miracle cure for migraines. Just stop straining yourself so hard."

"Shepard does more than I do and she's fine," Kaidan said, brushing her off.

"Well, actually..." Chakwas thought, looked away, and reconsidered. "Well, you're not Shepard."

"Wait a minute. 'Well, actually" what?"

Chakwas sighed, and figured there was no way to get out of this one as Kaidan stared at her expectantly from his perch on the end of the cot. "She's not fine. Her brain scans are showing increased neural scarring by the day. The fact that she hasn't lost her biotics entirely is amazing, and if I saw the same results for any other patient I would assume they couldn't be trusted to command the breakfast table."

"Holy hell." Kaidan jumped off the cot. "Have you told her to stop?"

"She won't listen. If you could keep an eye out for her on the field, maybe stop her from doing this to herself..." Chakwas shrugged. "I don't know. It's not easy seeing someone...decay before your eyes like this."

Before Kaidan could respond, the med bay doors opened to allow Liara through, clutching her head, fingers clasped around one crest like it was the one responsible for her pain. Her eyes seemed blurry as she tried to march straight past the two of them to her quarters. Chakwas and Kaidan shared a look, and Kaidan started to follow even as Liara's doors closed in his face. He put his palm against the door and witnessed Liara slump down into her chair and put her head on her desk, letting out an uncharacteristic groan.

"You melded with her again, didn't you?" he asked as the doors whished shut behind him, blocking the harsh medbay fluorescents and leaving the two of them in a dim, blue haze of shared pain. He found himself grateful, and moved to take a seat on the edge of Liara's bed.

"I don't understand it," Liara moaned, grinding her forehead against the desk. "Everyone says it's supposed to tire you out. It isn't supposed to hurt."

"Well, you can probably blame the L2 for that, too," Kaidan said, leaning forward. "Sorry you have to deal with our human mistakes."

"No, it's not that." Liara sniffed, rubbed her forehead, and sat up to face him. "It's-I could meld with anyone, their biotic ability has nothing to do with it. It's her. Every time I've melded with her, it's felt like slamming my head into a wall for an hour before I can start to see what's there-and even then, it's hard to pick anything out to try and make sense of it. Once the wall's down, it just...floods in. E-everything."

"You mean..." Kaidan swallowed, thinking about the public facts of Shepard's background - and wondering just what the reality was like.

"I-I shouldn't be talking about it. It's bad enough that I see it. I don't think she wants anyone to know-" She suddenly choked, tears finally dropping from her watering eyes. "It's so awful!" she exclaimed, covering her face with her hands. "How does she live with it? Is that-is that really what she saw? What's in her head? Or am I-I must not be doing it right, I'm inexperienced, I-"

Kaidan stood up and pulled her out of her chair, giving her an embrace that he meant for someone else. Liara mumbled her thanks into his shoulder, and he promised to keep her company through the worst of it - to stay quiet, but still present, still available. He only wished he could make that promise to the woman who'd brought the both of them pain.


	5. Strength

**Strength**

"But she doesn't want to remember anymore."

These were the last words of the girl on the Alliance loading dock. Standing right next to the Normandy. A Mindoir survivor, like her.

Her duty was to rescue. To save the girl who could have been her. To talk her down from suicide.

She listened. She talked. But the words that came out, attempted words of comfort, of tough love - she didn't even believe them herself. More than once she'd imagined putting her pistol to her temple. More than once it had been there, pressing against her skull, against memories of the very raid that claimed this girl. What right did she have to stop her? What right did she have, to deny her that choice, probably her first choice since the attack?

She asked Shepard why she wasn't like her, why she wasn't broken. There was no answer to give.

Talitha was working off of faulty intelligence.

She went back to the Alliance officer who'd had the snipers trained on her, blocking herself off as much as she could. She had to wait.

"Is she- is she dead?" he asked.

"You heard the gunshot and I'm still standing. Work it out for yourself."

She pushed him out of her way and trudged towards the Normandy's airlock. She had to be alone before she could let out the scream.

She couldn't have been more grateful that she'd chosen to stay alone during this Citadel trip, and couldn't have been more irritated at the long decontamination process. With every second she felt her control slipping away, and by the time the airlock allowed her into the CIC, numbness had given way to anger, and she could feel the next shift coming along with a migraine. She didn't bother changing in the decontamination chamber. She didn't have the focus.

She stomped around the galaxy map, through the CIC, looking down, not knowing or caring if anyone was watching. She took the stairs two, three at a time, her long strides carrying her as fast as possible to relief. Her hand shook as she keyed the door to her quarters, and as she drew in her breath to let it all out, she looked up - and there he was. Stupid.

She remembered the first time she saw the LT suffering from her curse, slumped against his locker in the mess hall. She'd taken pity on him, saw something of herself in the pain brought on by the L2. Offered him her dark, soundproof quarters if it came again. It's the reasonable thing to do, she'd said to herself at the time. The faster he can recover, the faster he can get back to work. Bullshit. And now she was paying for it.

Kaidan sat at her desk, rubbing his temples with his eyes closed. As the door _whished_ closed behind her, he looked up.

"Shepard - sorry, I thought you'd be out longer. Headaches. You know," he said, getting up. "I'll, uh, get out of your way."

As he got up, she stared at her boots, trying to control her breathing, her eyes, just long enough for him to pass her. _Hurry up_, she said in her head, _God, please, just get out of here._ Her hands locked into fists, the metal tips of her fingers digging into the palms of her gauntlets. She couldn't have two people making her weak today, couldn't break down, she had a duty-

"Shepard?" A hand lighted on her shoulder, skittishly, as though she were a stovetop. "Are you all right?"

She hadn't realized how tightly she'd been squeezing her eyes until she had to open them, and look him in the eye. They burned, and her chest constricted, and she could barely get out the words.

"Just go."

He didn't say anything, just walked around her, and she heard the _whish_ of the door again - and then something she'd hoped she'd never hear again.

"I'm here for you if you need me, Commander."

_Fuck_.

As the door closed, she staggered over to her bed, sitting on the edge, mashing her palm against her face as though to smother the tears, the choking.

Now he knew. He thought he could help. But the more people knew, the more people tried to treat her well, the more they tried to keep her healthy, the weaker she'd be. Just like after Akuze. Everyone wanted to protect the fragile little flower and that only made it worse, she didn't deserve that, didn't deserve that consideration, that care.

Pushing people away, only being their commander, not their friend - that got them to stop. That got her to where she needed to be. She deserved their hatred, not their pity, and that way she could keep everything in here, alone.

But she'd shown him kindness, and already he was planning to weaken her with his comfort. He'd already done it. It could've just been a scream and a collapse, but now it was _this _- this disgusting choking snot-and-tear-stained mess she was making of herself. It was her fault for letting him get anywhere near her.

No more relief sessions for the lieutenant. Breaks fraternization regs. He can deal with it on his own. It'll make him stronger.

_Just like me._


	6. Compromised

**Compromised**

"I know why you killed him."

The words were as unwelcome as the woman, who stood in the doorway between Shepard and the rest of the ship. Ashley's eyes were hidden beneath her brow in the low light of simulated night. Shepard stared into that black from her desk. Neither of them would come close to sleep.

She couldn't respond, couldn't think of words beyond the migraine. Not even a good reason for that one. Stress could set it off as well as any fight.

"You killed him 'cause he knew you. Saw you for what you are," Ashley continued, leaning into the doorframe. "God, he _liked _you."

Shepard stood to her full height, looking away from the doorway. Cracked her neck, her shoulders. Bought herself the time to decide what to do with her. Williams was never good at taking orders. Barely even a soldier. This, though. This was bold.

"I saw the way he looked at you. I'm not stupid. He thought you two were peas in a pod. Don't get it, though. He was a good man."

"But you're a fucking monster."

Shepard laughed. It wasn't really funny. She didn't know what it was. A half-choked, low sound, involuntary. She turned to face the soldier, hitting the light switch on the wall, and watched Ashley's face twist from anger to fear in a second. Blood slowly trickled off Shepard's chin from the gouges left by her fingernails.

"You think you're so clever." She stepped towards Ashley, watching her body language. She was tense, but firm. She would stand her ground. Always would. Williams was as implacable as she was, in the end. "You nursed this. Planned it. Thought a lot about it. Wanted to let me know just how much you hate me, and you knew I'd tear you apart any other time. But you do know me. Better than he did."

Ashley smirked, despite the tension in her limbs, the fear in her eyes. "You won't do it now. You need me. In twelve hours, we hit Ilos. You can't have anyone missing."

"That's right." Shepard stopped in front of her, a half-head taller, staring down. She could feel her breath on her neck, hot and shuddering underneath the veneer of confidence. A powerful sensation rose in her stomach, a queasiness, an urge to tear this woman limb from limb or ravish her, and she couldn't tell the difference anymore. She spoke as plainly as she could: "So you've said your piece. Dismissed, Chief."

"There's something I haven't figured out. He was a better soldier than me. Higher rank, too. That's not like you, even if you don't want people knowing you," Ashley said, taking a step back from Shepard's body heat, the piercing brown eyes. "So what else was there?"

"You already said it. He liked me. You don't. It works better that way."

"So thinking you're an amoral psychopath, that means I get to live?" Ashley's facade faltered, and confusion crossed her features, mouth turning down in a frown.

"Alenko knew himself. He knew why he did everything he did. I would take him over a thousand petty grunts like you, throwing themselves into danger to martyr for some dead disgraced marine, not even knowing why they're doing it," Shepard hissed.

"But you know what I can't have? Someone trying to make me weaker. Trying to force me to be like everyone else, someone who can't take the hard choices of command. You call me a monster, but you told me to kill the Rachni queen. He said no. I can't let guilt kill me, or this whole damn galaxy. If you care about me, you compromise me. I am the last resort. I am the necessary evil that dumbasses like you need to save their skins."

Ashley couldn't hold her gaze steady anymore, and her eyes dropped to the fresh blood of Shepard's self-mutilation. She backed away, not bothering to pretend anymore, letting the fear show on her face.

Shepard snarled at the sight. "Have I made myself clear, Chief?" she growled, her clenched jaw forcing more blood out of her cheek, splattering on the front of her uniform.

"You're crazy," she muttered, eyes wide.

"Duly noted. Dismissed."

Ashley turned away.

Shepard stepped back into her office and opened the medical kit on the wall. Methodically, she took dabs from the medi-gel container and smeared them over the fresh scars of her most recent battle with herself. Snapping it shut, she took a long hypodermic needle and plunged its contents into her right arm. As the morphine took effect, she fell onto her bed face-first, and forgot everything.


	7. Three Lab Rats

**Author's Note:**

This will eventually be re-ordered when I write more chapters; this is just the one I felt like writing right now.

* * *

**Three Lab Rats**

There was no _time _for this.

There was no time for her crew to be fighting. There was no time for petty grudges, and disagreements, and personality conflicts. Under no _fucking _circumstances should Shepard have ever heard over the intercom, "Jack and Miranda are in the middle of a disagreement."

And she wasted no time once she got there.

As soon as the door slid open, the two women were pinned against opposite sides of the room, blue bands of power strapping their throats to the Normandy's steel. Shepard stood between them, hands splayed out, seething.

"Tell me what the _fuck _is going on," she hissed.

"The-" Jack coughed, but seemed to hate herself for it and forced herself to continue, "The cheerleader won't admit what Cerberus did to me was wrong."

Shepard narrowed her eyes, and the next thing out of Miranda's mouth did nothing to improve her mood. "It wasn't-" Miranda strained against Shepard's power but seemed unable to even budge the bar - "It wasn't Cerberus. Not really. But clearly you were a mistake," she finished, tossing a glare at Jack. Like a _child._

Shepard tightened the bands around their throats, Jack audibly struggling to escape now, arms flailing wildly before they too were constrained by a twist of Shepard's wrist. "You two," Shepard growled. "Especially you, XO," she spat at Miranda. "Confined to quarters. Lawson, your position is being downgraded. Jack, if I have to I will chain you to a steam pipe and only let you off the leash to kill someone, like a _dog_. We do not have time for this."

"She-" both started at the same time.

"Lawson," Shepard interrupted. "How much genetic engineering does it take to cure willful ignorance?" Jack choked out a laugh, and Shepard shot a glare at her before continuing, "I have no patience for people who blind themselves. Cerberus is _evil. _They caused Akuze. They've killed more humans than they have hostile aliens at this point. How many fucked-up experiments can you blame on 'rogue cells' before you admit that the whole culture of the organization encourages this bullshit? How many 'rogue cells' can you have before the whole fucking thing is rogue?"

"Shepard, I-" Miranda began, but Shepard switched targets.

"And you. Convict." Shepard said the word like she was biting off the woman's head. "I also don't have time for people who cultivate conflict like a goddamn flower garden. How the fuck did you end up in Lawson's office talking about how evil Cerberus is? You picked a fight, and a stupid one. Cerberus is evil. They're also the only ones in the galaxy who aren't so far up their own asses that they can't see the Reapers coming, so we work for them until they inevitably fuck us over. How hard is that to get through that thick skull of yours?" She dropped her field, letting the two women hit the floor with a _clunk_. Miranda got up but looked at her feet, not wanting to provoke the commander. Jack was not so conciliatory.

"Fuckin' sunny-ass attitude you got towards our mission, boss," Jack remarked with the smirk of a hyena. "Getting ready to get fucked at the end like a good girl?"

"I also don't have time for people with suicidal tendencies, Jack," Shepard said, whirling to face her.

"Guess you don't have time for yourself, seeing how you fuckin' charge krogan like it's going outta-"

In a flash of blue light, Shepard had Jack pinned back to the wall, elbow at her throat. "Jack. Shut the fuck up. Are you going back to engineering yourself, or am I dragging you down?"

"Jesus, fuck, made your point already, going," Jack said, shoving her off.

"That's what I like to hear. You'll have meals delivered to you. Same to you, Lawson. Maybe the shame for a week or two will knock you two idiots into shape." Shepard pointed towards the door for Jack.

As the door slid open, Shepard felt the ripples of a mass effect field, and whipped around to catch Jack's glowing fist with her hand. Jack's brown eyes widened as the commander tightened her grip.

"Jack, let me tell you something I learned from Lawson's files," Shepard whispered, deathly calm. "Something she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge."

"When they rebuilt me, they definitely didn't use the L2 implant. Oh no. They used the methods and the data gained from Pragia to make me more powerful than I ever was before. See, there's a reason I can charge krogan in every fight and you can only do it on a good day."

"I am every bit as much a Cerberus lab rat as you are. And I'm _better _at it."

A small singularity flared inside of Jack's fist, and she grunted in pain as her fingers bent inward and let out a disgusting _crack_. Both of them knew that she'd had worse, and Jack did not waver, did not fall, did not cry out. She pulled her fist out of Shepard's grip, waving it at her side like she'd just hit it on a cupboard.

"Talk to Chakwas. I don't want to see either of your faces until the next combat mission. Am I clear?" Shepard asked, turning to Miranda, who nodded, resolutely, staring at the commander with hatred in her eyes. Shepard cupped her ear meaningfully.

"Yes, ma'am," Miranda said.

"Am I clear, Jack?"

Jack had the exact same expression as Miranda. "Yes, ma'am," she spat.

"Good."

Shepard left the office, Jack following until she split off for the medbay and let out a quiet curse that she didn't think Shepard could hear. As Shepard entered the elevator for her cabin, she instinctively put a hand to her head for the ghosts of headaches past, migraines that would never come again. Something to thank Cerberus for.

If they could both hate Shepard more than they hated each other, that would be enough.


End file.
